So here I sit tonight, listening to my writing music and my mind is again taken back to where I left off...writing about some things in my childhood that have had lasting effects. Well let me phrase it as my father did a couple weeks ago..."I'm lamenting over the past." I don't feel that's the right way to put it since I have let go of the anger and hurt that I once felt as a child. Well most of the hurt anyways...I still get choked up when I think about certain things; mostly my father. But one thing I know is that in order to move forward in life, one HAS TO learn from their past. This is my objective at the moment...to relive and learn from some of the experiences I've had. It isn't lamenting, it's a learning process for me and maybe some interesting reading for others. My father said that what I'm doing is like writing in a journal and that others shouldn't read it. But if my journal can help others then I say read till your hearts content because it's helping me as well.The night my world changed was no different than any other. My father had been back in Michigan for a while and on this particular night I was visiting my grandmother's house so I could see and spend time with him. At this time he drove a cab during the night and slept during the day. So I suppose my time with him was spent sitting in the basement and watching him sleep; hoping he'd wake up so we could do something. Anyhow, the second story of my grandmother's home was basically an upstairs apartment. My Aunt Kathy lived there and usually when my sister and I visited, that's where we'd sleep. On this night, I stayed up late watching a movie and sometime after midnight I heard a car pull up to the house. I didn't think much about it at first but then I heard my grandmother's door open and close and I immediately got up to see who it was. As I looked out my aunt's window down to the street below I saw that the car was a cab. A sense of excitment flew over me because I knew it was my father. I knew he wasn't there to see me but still I couldn't help to feel excited. I realize now just how much I loved my father back then...just knowing that he was close brought me great joy. But this night would 
prove different. As I stood there at the window I remember trying not to make noise so I could hear what was going on downstairs. I heard some shuffling, doors opening and closing and then the door below me opened and closed. I watched my father walk to the cab and get in the passenger seat; unusual I thought since my father was supposed to be the one driving. The cab sat there for a second and then I watched as my father lit a cigarette lighter and then lite a joint. My world crashed that very second. I can still feel the shock that went through my body, it was like I had been struck by lightning. Even after the cab had driven off, I stood at that window like a statue...frozen in horror. I went through it so many times in my head, did I really see what I had just seen? Did he really do that? Could it have been something different? But even though I was young, I knew what smoking a joint looked like. I hadn't done it myself, but I knew what it looked like...and my father, my man of steel had just killed everything great thing I ever thought of him. It was just a joint, but what that joint represented was like a dagger to my young heart.
prove different. As I stood there at the window I remember trying not to make noise so I could hear what was going on downstairs. I heard some shuffling, doors opening and closing and then the door below me opened and closed. I watched my father walk to the cab and get in the passenger seat; unusual I thought since my father was supposed to be the one driving. The cab sat there for a second and then I watched as my father lit a cigarette lighter and then lite a joint. My world crashed that very second. I can still feel the shock that went through my body, it was like I had been struck by lightning. Even after the cab had driven off, I stood at that window like a statue...frozen in horror. I went through it so many times in my head, did I really see what I had just seen? Did he really do that? Could it have been something different? But even though I was young, I knew what smoking a joint looked like. I hadn't done it myself, but I knew what it looked like...and my father, my man of steel had just killed everything great thing I ever thought of him. It was just a joint, but what that joint represented was like a dagger to my young heart. In order to understand my reaction, you'd have to know that I loved my father SO DEEPLY when I was a kid. Despite him being out of my life for so many years and despite our relationship being so disappointing...I loved him dearly. I had him on such a high pedestal; one that he never deserved but nevertheless got because I was his son and sons are born to love their fathers. The longing that I had for him in the years that he was away, the need for his affection had blinded me to the point that I didn't see that he was nothing great. But the moment I saw him light and smoke that joint, my eyes were opened and my entire life changed. He was no longer my Superman and my attitude towards being a good kid changed. Up to that point, I was a decent kid who never had really done anything too bad. But after then I went on to do the things that I would have said no to before. It's amazing how one single moment, one single action can change a person forever. That moment led me down a road that has taken me so many years to get off of. I didn't become a drug addict or an alcoholic but my life after that was just a roller coaster of wrong choices. Choices that led down bumpy and difficult paths. This memory, this one single moment in my life is the one that i wish had never happened. As a child it damaged my psyche on so many levels. I can still see myself sitting on that couch with my mind racing, trying to process what had just happened. It was too much for me at that time. My world fell and I told no one.
What this memory helps me understand is just how much power a parent holds...especially a father. When a child comes into this world they have no one to rely on but their parents or whoever takes upon themselves the tasking of caring for that child. Those parents or guardians have immeasurable influence on what that child eventually becomes. One thing is very clear and its that "Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words." Parents are the greatest influence.
In the years since becoming a father, I have occasionally had a drink of alcohol and even resumed smoking during the summer of 2005. Which I might note only lasted about a month. But each time I had a drink of alcohol, even just a sip I remembered how seeing my father light that joint ruined my world at that time. Every time I took a drag of a cigarette I remember the shock that went through my body that night...and I just can't do that to my kids. I'm not perfect by any means and I still do stupid things sometimes but I would never, ever want my children to feel what I felt that night. People think I don't smoke or drink or go to a strip club because I go to church. But church or belief has nothing to do with it. It's because I remember standing at my aunt's window and feeling my heart break. And I never want my children to feel what I felt that night.
The memory is such a powerful aspect of our minds. If my body started to fail and I lost all function, my memory is the one thing I'd ask the lord to help me keep. It can bring a great smile to a face, or it can bring buckets of tears. I cherish both. As I choose to look back on my life I hope these memories help me become a better person, a better husband, and a better father. I think the greatest failure of my life would be to fail my children where I was once failed, to hurt them when I was once the one being hurt. 
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