As I"m on this long road to somewhere, I can't help but think about what has gotten me to where I am now. My memories are good and bad just like anyone else. But when I think of the experiences that have helped shape me, my thoughts always turn to my father.
This is a tape my father made while I was being born. My mother gave it to me years ago and I've tried to keep it safe ever since. I've listened to it only a few times; it isn't the easiest of listens. I was my father's first child and on the tape he wonders aloud what type of father he'd be, what type of child I'd be, and whether I'd be a boy or a girl. When I'm born my father laughs happily and says, "It's a boy!" I so wish that his initial enthusiasm for me would have lasted a lifetime.
My earliest memory is one that will always stick with me. I remember my father sitting on the couch at my grandmother's house. He is crying and so was I. I was just a little boy and I think he was leaving or something. My mother said it was time to go and we left. I cried and cried on the drive home, we may have even turned around so I could see him again but I'm not sure. After that I don't remember much about my father as a child. He moved away for several years and didn't return till I was maybe 11 or 12...it's all a blur. What I remember in those years that he was gone was that I loved my him TREMENDOUSLY even though he wasn't around, even though I only talked to him a few times a year. I would talk about him and how he was gonna come back or how I would be able to see him sometime. I hated when others would bad mouth him. I was so proud of a father that wasn't there. It was like loving a ghost.
The day he came back my sister and I went to my grandma's, as we did fairly often. This time was different though. She got us early in the morning and when we got to her house, everyone was standing around with smiles on their faces. As we stood in her living room, my father jumped out from the back rooms and surprised us. That was the absolute happiest moment of my life up to that point. Having my father actually there with me was the best feeling ever. I got to stay at my grandma's a couple days and spend time with the man I'd missed for too long.
I can still see the look on my mother's face as she drove up the road and saw me sitting on the porch with my father. She shook her head in what looked like disapproval. I know I didn't care though...cause I was next to my dad and that's all that mattered at that moment. However, when it was time to go, I saw that things were different. I was eating a hot dog and when I went to give him a kiss goodbye he laughed and kinda shrugged back. Maybe I had mustard on my lips but I knew then that I couldn't be the little boy what just wanted his father to hold him close. Things were different, time had passed and it wasn't the same. I never did let go of that desire to be close to my father though. Once he was home I wanted to go to my grandma's often so I could see him. I remember he used to drive cabs at night and he would sleep during the day. His room was in the basement and I would go downstairs and sit on his couch and watch him sleep. I was hoping he would wake up and talk to me. I would move around or make a little noise to try and disturb his sleep. I wanted his attention so badly. It's disappointing to think back on those experiences.
My father disappointed me alot when I was a kid; by not being there, by not loving me as I thought he should, by not teaching me some things that a man should teach his son. I've gotten past the anger that comes with that but it still hurts. There are so many things I wish I could remember about my childhood. So many things about my family are mixed up and unorganized in my head. Sometimes I don't even know if I want to remember them...and I wish I could remember the better moments more than I remember the crazy and hurtful moments. One of my greatest disappointments in life, one of my most traumatic experiences was a result of my father's actions...and I don't even think he knows about it. But I'll save that for my next post.
These memories help me understand now why my son is always around me, why he always wants to do something or play video games with me. He is just like I was...he loves his dad.
My earliest memory is one that will always stick with me. I remember my father sitting on the couch at my grandmother's house. He is crying and so was I. I was just a little boy and I think he was leaving or something. My mother said it was time to go and we left. I cried and cried on the drive home, we may have even turned around so I could see him again but I'm not sure. After that I don't remember much about my father as a child. He moved away for several years and didn't return till I was maybe 11 or 12...it's all a blur. What I remember in those years that he was gone was that I loved my him TREMENDOUSLY even though he wasn't around, even though I only talked to him a few times a year. I would talk about him and how he was gonna come back or how I would be able to see him sometime. I hated when others would bad mouth him. I was so proud of a father that wasn't there. It was like loving a ghost.
The day he came back my sister and I went to my grandma's, as we did fairly often. This time was different though. She got us early in the morning and when we got to her house, everyone was standing around with smiles on their faces. As we stood in her living room, my father jumped out from the back rooms and surprised us. That was the absolute happiest moment of my life up to that point. Having my father actually there with me was the best feeling ever. I got to stay at my grandma's a couple days and spend time with the man I'd missed for too long.
I can still see the look on my mother's face as she drove up the road and saw me sitting on the porch with my father. She shook her head in what looked like disapproval. I know I didn't care though...cause I was next to my dad and that's all that mattered at that moment. However, when it was time to go, I saw that things were different. I was eating a hot dog and when I went to give him a kiss goodbye he laughed and kinda shrugged back. Maybe I had mustard on my lips but I knew then that I couldn't be the little boy what just wanted his father to hold him close. Things were different, time had passed and it wasn't the same. I never did let go of that desire to be close to my father though. Once he was home I wanted to go to my grandma's often so I could see him. I remember he used to drive cabs at night and he would sleep during the day. His room was in the basement and I would go downstairs and sit on his couch and watch him sleep. I was hoping he would wake up and talk to me. I would move around or make a little noise to try and disturb his sleep. I wanted his attention so badly. It's disappointing to think back on those experiences.
My father disappointed me alot when I was a kid; by not being there, by not loving me as I thought he should, by not teaching me some things that a man should teach his son. I've gotten past the anger that comes with that but it still hurts. There are so many things I wish I could remember about my childhood. So many things about my family are mixed up and unorganized in my head. Sometimes I don't even know if I want to remember them...and I wish I could remember the better moments more than I remember the crazy and hurtful moments. One of my greatest disappointments in life, one of my most traumatic experiences was a result of my father's actions...and I don't even think he knows about it. But I'll save that for my next post.
These memories help me understand now why my son is always around me, why he always wants to do something or play video games with me. He is just like I was...he loves his dad.
Well all I can say is your words are truly beautiful! You are so talented and Im proud to be your sister! I can tell this blog is already gonna bring back some intense and emotional moments, because as you were hurting, I was also. Love you big brother...you are an inspiration to me!!!
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